just read an article in cracked (based on new york times article) describing how the act of cleaning often happens in order to absolve guilt. and more than that, after a person has cleaned they're more likely to be a prick. what a bummer.
so if you are constantly washing it means you're guilty... i dunno. i want to get something out of this information but i'm too tired.
guilt. guilt... you've done something wrong. to someone else. you have... you have hurt someone else for your benefit. why would this have anything to do with cleanliness? my understanding of cleanliness is sickness. you clean yourself in order to not get sick, and thereby prevent others from getting sick as well.
i never use to clean. when i was in university i just didn't care. i didn't need people to be sociable with me. i didn't feel like. i felt like i had enough to give them in return that something as superficial (to me) as cleaning was unimportant.
then. then i started feeling guilty. i felt like i was not pulling my own weight. i felt like i needed people around me, i needed people to help me deal with the emptiness of... people are the only thing that make the emptiness bareable. and cleanliness...
you want to be clean so that people will come near you. and me, i don't feel clean. i feel... well my mind is the thing that i feel i need to protect people from. all these thoughts that... i guess you could call them dirty. but not in a sexual way. they're like infections. they will upset you. like i've got this crazy mental immune system that deals with all sorts of insane mental viruses and i can't let my mind too close to yours because you'll get all infected by it.
so dirty. how do i keep my mind clean.
guilt. again with the guilt. the funny thing is it doesn't matter what the contents of my mind are. it's the guilt that fucks with me. if someone doesn't like what i said, then i don't have to say it again. i can notice that they didn't respond well and then adjust in kind if i want to stay close to them. of course that one hit can be painful. it can be upsetting to say something and have it throw someone, have it make them... have it infect them. but. that's what i'm scared of. am i the kind of guy that you need to stay away from because my mind is so full of nasty things. no, that i'm bad for you. that being around me will ruin your life. that i will destroy the good in your life. that i am loneliness personified and i'll bring you down with me.
which is why i freeze. i noticed this last night, when i started chatting with my neighbours. all these people. and i had to keep reminding myself to breathe. breathing helps. but i felt so freaked out, i felt like i had to control myself so carefully, it was immense having everyone watch me, so intense. and i just kept breathing. trying not to think.
am i clean? am i a good thing for someone to be around? will i make someone sick?
i guess it depends who you're asking. and some people make me sick, that i know. some people definately bring me down. and i'm sure i could do the same for other people. and i think it's important not to be too fussed about that. but certain people will find you uplifting. certain people will feel more alive around you. will feel enthralled, inspired.
and certain people you will find uplifting. enthralling. and it is my dream to find someone as such who finds me the same. for us both to feel invigorated.
